My Body (part one of ???)

In the midst of the quarantine, while everyone is spending much more time indoors, I've been thinking a lot about my body.

I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which I will definitely write about a lot. It's a huge part of my life. I linked to the Mayo Clinic page for it so I don't have to explain everything first. When I was in high school, I did marching band and ran track. I was incredibly active, and I was real skinny and so fit.

One of the things I miss about that is being amazed by my body. The most amazing thing that my body ever did was run 15 miles. I wasn't even that tired afterward. I spent Now, when I walk around the block, I'm constantly out of breath. I have trouble sitting up without using my arms and I used to be the fucking crunch champion on my track team. My EDS first started rearing my head when I was in high school so since I was amazed by my body I felt my control slipping away from me; when I could hear my knees clicking walking in the hallway at school; when I had to quit marching band; when I couldn't carry my backpack at college...

Today I went to the doctor's office because I thought I had an ear infection. The person who took my vitals was wearing a hazmat suit. I did not end up having an ear infection, and honestly, incorrectly self-diagnosing really freaked me out. I've always understood my body. I knew I had EDS years before I was diagnosed with it. So even though the control of my body was slipping, I always thought that I understood it and could somehow maintain autonomy over it in that way. But maybe I don't understand it as well as I thought that I did.

One thing about the doctor's office is that they always weigh you. I never weigh myself on my own because it messes with my head and doesn't help me be healthier, so the only times I see my weight are when I'm at the doctor's. I was not happy with what I saw, and that in combination with feeling my fingers slipping off the edge of control I felt on my body, I started to really really miss being fit.

I did yoga yesterday. It wasn't much, but it meant a lot to be able to feel and get to know my joints. While they don't do me any favors on my own, exercise is a way for me to try to train them to help me. I can only do so much, and I have to be slow-paced, but it was incredibly meaningful to be able to practice body awareness. I hope I will be able to continue it in the future.

Welcome!

I'm looking forward to finally, really beginning a blog. I've been wanting to write since the year started, it was sort of a resolution, but I haven't done it yet because I'm scared of what's going on in my head. I've been going through some shit. I'm 21 and unemployed; I lost my job in January and I've been looking for work and finishing my degree since then.

These times have been stressful and scary for everyone, and I know I'm not the only one starting a blog. At this juncture in my life, I don't think I'll be doing much more than a form of casual journaling on here. I just need to unblock my creativity, and this is part of my plan to do that. Social distancing is a great time to try to accomplish things, and so far I've mostly been working on reading a book and watching TV. I started writing this about a week ago if that tells you anything about my productivity levels. Class doesn't even start for me again until this coming Monday. So I want to write down my goals to help me start reaching them. I give this advice to lots of people, so I decided that now I'm going to do it myself.

This week I want to:

• Finish my book
• Catch up on class reading
• Make progress in crocheting projects
• Work on my blog
• Watch less Seinfeld.

I know that this post isn't much, but hitting the 'publish' button is going to be a big step for me. I swear I will write more interesting posts in the future.

In the future, I plan on using this space as a homepage for my work and advocacy. Until then, please check out my twitter: https://twitter.com/ouigucci