In the midst of the quarantine, while everyone is spending much more time indoors, I've been thinking a lot about my body.
I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which I will definitely write about a lot. It's a huge part of my life. I linked to the Mayo Clinic page for it so I don't have to explain everything first. When I was in high school, I did marching band and ran track. I was incredibly active, and I was real skinny and so fit.
One of the things I miss about that is being amazed by my body. The most amazing thing that my body ever did was run 15 miles. I wasn't even that tired afterward. I spent Now, when I walk around the block, I'm constantly out of breath. I have trouble sitting up without using my arms and I used to be the fucking crunch champion on my track team. My EDS first started rearing my head when I was in high school so since I was amazed by my body I felt my control slipping away from me; when I could hear my knees clicking walking in the hallway at school; when I had to quit marching band; when I couldn't carry my backpack at college...
Today I went to the doctor's office because I thought I had an ear infection. The person who took my vitals was wearing a hazmat suit. I did not end up having an ear infection, and honestly, incorrectly self-diagnosing really freaked me out. I've always understood my body. I knew I had EDS years before I was diagnosed with it. So even though the control of my body was slipping, I always thought that I understood it and could somehow maintain autonomy over it in that way. But maybe I don't understand it as well as I thought that I did.
One thing about the doctor's office is that they always weigh you. I never weigh myself on my own because it messes with my head and doesn't help me be healthier, so the only times I see my weight are when I'm at the doctor's. I was not happy with what I saw, and that in combination with feeling my fingers slipping off the edge of control I felt on my body, I started to really really miss being fit.
I did yoga yesterday. It wasn't much, but it meant a lot to be able to feel and get to know my joints. While they don't do me any favors on my own, exercise is a way for me to try to train them to help me. I can only do so much, and I have to be slow-paced, but it was incredibly meaningful to be able to practice body awareness. I hope I will be able to continue it in the future.
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